I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Randomize
