The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
