Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
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