When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
