I need help removing her.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
If I get back to the house before you, I'm setting up the swing. If you get there before me, it's chains and cuffs.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
