I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
Randomize
