I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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