its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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