Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
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