so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Randomize
