Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
