Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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