when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
