The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Just got your message from Saturday. Shove all the kittens down your pants? Really?
I was emotionally compromised.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
