it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I jumped the fence at the bar last night. My dress got stuck and I ended up flashing the entire patio for a good 30 seconds.
At the 10 second mark everyone started to whistle and cheer. Free drinks all night
Randomize
