My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
