we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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