dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
