The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
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