can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
