everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize