Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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