So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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