I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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