I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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