She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
