I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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