And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
