I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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