I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
