i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
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