I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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