You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
