have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
