I heard we made out
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Randomize
