whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
Just high enough for therapy.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
