I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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