If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
