I feel like I'm in dance class right now
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Some nights you just end up digging your mcdouble out of the trash and eating it. it happens.
Randomize
