Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
