So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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