booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
