do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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