I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
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