My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
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