So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize
