thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Drunk is not a location!
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
