she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
