It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
