I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize