This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I feel like a drive thru vagina
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
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