wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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