those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
