So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
