"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
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