I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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