i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
