You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
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