I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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