You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
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