Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
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