I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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