My hair reeks of homosexuality.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
