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I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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