i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
