No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Why are your pants in the freezer?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
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